Light and Dark go hand in hand

So this time I will maybe not kick my own ass so much.

I still feel that my last post was accurate in the sense that it was how I felt at the time. But my girlfriend wrote me a letter and pointed out somethings that have a lot of merit and thought behind them, all of which I agree with.

I’m changing, I know thats a pretty basic thought because who isn’t changing all the time but this one of course has more weight since its my own change. Now it isn’t that my current thought process is flawed or broken in any way it just doesn’t fully work with what im trying to accomplish. In truth I feel that things like my work ethic or financial planning are excellent. But my mind is a little to structural right now, by all means that was a great way to do things before and the experiences I gained from that type of thinking served me wonderfully for a long time. But I am sitting on a new type of freedom which I hadnt fully come to realize until Michelle sent me that letter. Why think in lines when you could think in waves? Im not working somewhere that requires a mental stronghold and constant upkeep, im not in daily danger and for lack of a better term I am more or less free to think how I would like. That sounds stupid even as I write it but its hard as hell to describe. I guess I just want some water through the pipes in my brain.

Ok I can explain this…..hahaha maybe I can’t…I want to look at clouds and notice shapes not the direction they are going in….no not really a good example. hahaha actually this writing is a perfect example. I want to be able to give examples of flow and mental openess. There are a lot of really cliche things I could say that I am avoiding on purpose though, I don’t really mind thinking in lines but I want the option of waves. I didn’t even know I wasn’t really open to that type of thinking and I think my initial feeling when I walked into the rave was that exactly. The feeling in the air and the elation was from the fact that my brain was instantly open, now I kinda derped and forced it closed which could have very well been what went wrong in the first place.

Im actually feeling really good right now despite a hefty $1000 wisdom tooth bill looming over me and an interview Friday. I stumbled for a second but some caring words from my girlfriend helped. I also realized it must have been hard for her to write that letter and read my last post, I am always trying my hardest to fix her pain and prevent her from feeling it, so why I didn’t remember she does the same is beyond me, that wont happen again though, she cares for me more than anyone else ever could and I love her so much.

Michelle and I are doing acid again soon and I am going to try something different (with some laxatives a few days before because yanno I’ve learned things), I am not going to try and control it or manipulate it or force it. I will just get high and let the drug lead me where it wants to, if that place is bad I will learn again while im there and try it again until I get it right but I will just keep learning. I know I will always be able to walk away safe with Michelle there because she is the perfect partner to do drugs with and soon I hope she will be able to say the same of me.

I got a glimpse of a perspective on the world at that rave I hadn’t had before and I would really like to make that perspective a constant option one day.

Edit: Mental note to not write anything while potentially in the fallout time frame of MDMA

I just failed so horribly and I hate it.

 The night started off so well. Running a little late but not terribly so and A&B didn’t come on till 1230 so we couldn’t be that late. Michelle looked amazing as always and we made our way to the rave with no really notable events.

Got dropped off and I was immediately interested in the people there, people from every walk of life were standing in line in all different kinds of clothes at yet not one of them gave off a dangerous vibe. The line went quick enough and the pat downs went fine.

As soon as I walked in though my world changed. That sounds a little stupid I know but in all honesty it’s the truth, there was an actual feeling to the air here, you literally felt like if you stuck your hand out you might actually grab onto something invisible. At a distance you could see the stage and feel the bass in your bones, the people gathered in front of the stage and although they were all different even I felt comfortable just looking at the floor where I knew eventually I would be able to dance here. My drugs hadn’t kicked in yet so I decided to make a preemptive strike to the bathroom before the night started, now I am friendly enough when I want to be but I am not one to randomly make friends for no reason since in my mind they should serve a purpose. But the place itself was having an effect so I struck  up a conversation with a really happy guy in the bathroom and we discussed how excited we were for A&B and what drugs we were on(His I cant even pronounce nor do I really remember, I was in shock over how unnaturally friendly I was being) we walked the same way out of the bathroom and he offered me some of his great tasting drink of which I took a generous gulp of and handed it back smiling like an idiot. Well damned if we didn’t hug goodbye, I have NEVER in my life felt the urge to hug someone so randomly but for whatever reason a word would be insufficient and a handshake would be insulting. He hugged back, it was great.

I rejoined Michelle as she was finishing a conversation with two other girls, I stood behind her and exchanged a smile with one of the girls boyfriends (Another new friend maybe?) I took note of his face and made a note that I would talk to him later since he seemed happy enough. Me and Michelle made our way to the bar which was closer to the stage and I stood in open amazement of the Rave, my drugs had yet to kick in and I knew I was now and always would be a fan of raves, I have never in my life felt so…free…I don’t know just happy in a crowd I guess.

We got to the bar and Michelle asked me to order the waters since she dislikes yelling at the bartenders so I ordered one water and the lady said it would be 5$ I handed her a five and she then informed me it was 4.50$ for each water. Up until this point I had felt mentally and physically fine but as soon as I went into my wallet to find my ten I got hit with this intense feeling that made me feel immediately queasy and confused since it was not what I had felt from Mdma before but this was my third time so I am not an expert on how it works. We got our waters and made our way outside for a smoke, I used levels to kinda straighten myself out and it sorta worked so I finished my smoke and we went back inside, I still wasn’t quite feeling up to dancing so we sat at some stools next to the floor and I just watched in amazement at the people there, If anyone had bothered to look at my face it would have been super obvious from my stupid grin and wide eyed look that this was my first rave. I loved it immensely and the feeling of the place was making it easyish to forget I wasn’t feeling good. I watched Michelle dance which was an amazing sight to see, its so rigid and fluid and I was so impressed by it that I just stared for a long time, Other people walked by and all of them were equally as impressed by her dancing as I was and it was a really great feeling to know I was at this amazing event with the most beautiful and talented woman in the room. I love her so much shes amazing in so many ways.

That was kinda where it all ended for me though, I got hit with a second rush that actually felt like the usual Mdma high I love but my body was three steps ahead of my brain and I started to break down. My eyes started to vibrate and I got a really bad headache. I felt terrible and could not push this feeling aside, it must have been written all over my face because Michelle immediately went into her nurture mode and asked how I was doing, I felt terrible because I had been so worried and determined to make this work as much for her as for me. Shes amazing though and was keeping me occupied with her dancing and words that I forced myself to once again trooper through this feeling and try to enjoy myself. Which I might have been able to do…maybe.

I got hit with a third rush which I was totally unprepared for in every way possible, Combined with the first shitty rush and the second great one my brain broke down. It was a second shitty rush and I lost all control of my body temperature, the bass was causing me chest pains, my teeth were killing me, the light stung my eyes and it got hard to breath, I tried to bear it for all of 5 minutes before Michelle noticed and I excused myself to the bathroom at her encouragement (the bathroom was full so I went outside and had a cigarette). I stood outside hating myself, I knew I needed to leave, that I couldn’t make it and worst of all how Michelle would feel about it, once again I couldn’t control my shit and it was effecting her night. I was breaking down at a rapid rate and when I got back in she suggested we move to a different spot off the floor and a little more out of the way, She could clearly see how bad I was doing and I felt so bad for the trouble I was causing her, we sat down and I put my head in my arms and cried…I don’t cry a lot and I think maybe I can count the amount of times I have in my life on two hands but I felt so terrible physically and mentally that I just broke in more ways than one and even feeling like death itself I couldn’t shake how bad I felt for Michelle having to deal with me like this. I don’t know how long I cried for…I still feel bad for making her miss A&B. Just as my brain was about to fall over the edge and into some form of darkness I cant even describe she started talking to me and literally saved me then and there. Just her voice and the amount of care in it for my wellbeing was staggering, She loves me in an exactly equal amount I love her and she was my saviour and the only reason I didn’t turn into a mess on the ground. She called my mother who for once in her life didn’t fail as a parent and made decent time getting to the location. Still though I felt/feel shitty as fuck and just thinking about it now I feel like crying again.

Another amazing raver asked how we were doing and Michelle explained how I was just having a bad trip and he sympathized but I noticed he asked how ‘we’ were doing so I imagine Michelle looked sad as well which hurts a lot. My mom showed up and we made our way out of the rave, Michelle led me by hand and I remember her hand feeling like the safest place in the world at that moment and I will never forget just how much feeling we were exchanging just through our hands. As we exited she ran into a really great guy who was really funny and made me laugh which at that point I thought myself incapable of, Michelle ran to the bathroom to find his girlfriend and the guy knew how I felt so he kept me occupied while Michelle was gone. She returned with his girlfriend in tow and the look on her face was genuinely sympathetic which oddly enough made me feel better as well. I sincerely hope me and Michelle go on a double date with those two since they are really amazing people and I would love to get to know each of them more.

We got in my moms truck and I lit a smoke and let the air wash over me while resting my head on Michelles pillow, her scent on it kept the connection to her I so badly needed and I started to straighten out. About ten minutes out of Edmonton I was free of my first and third rush and left with the usual Mdma feeling I love, I desperately wanted to turn around and go back to the rave but I knew it was to late for that. I miss it even now actually…I really fucked up though and I don’t even know why it went wrong.

We got back to my place and me and Michelle were back into our amazing couple setting and I was on pure happy mdma high so we had such a good time and she was so great about it that I was able to put aside how terrible I felt for the night and next day. Luckily me and Michelle don’t have a give and take relationship (Which I have never mentioned to her but its increadibly rare) so I don’t feel like I owe her anything but I would like to make it up to her. She saved me in so many ways that night, I’ve had people actually save my life before but that night Michelle saved my soul which is cheesy I know but it’s the only way I can describe it, had I been allowed to break then and there I feel as though it would have actually scarred me as a person and Michelle was just perfect in every way and I love her more than anything ever.

I was able to make it through Saturday without the guilt getting to me but I awoke Sunday morning to its full force on my shoulders. I would love to go to another rave this summer maybe but I wouldn’t ask Michelle, I really didn’t prove myself that night as someone she can go to a rave with and if she never asks me again I would definitely understand. I also need more practice with new drugs in general since I clearly suck at them.

That night Michelle took a sleeping pill and started hallucinating, I was a little worried towards the end but I was sobered up and she seemed to be enjoying herself which she deserved more than anything at that point, so I just watched over her and let her hallucinate. She was slurring with her mouth guard and adorable in ways only she can achieve.

Edit: She said something that night too which has implanted itself in my brain regarding engagement and the time frame between being engaged and actually married. I don’t know why but I it was one of those things you think or day dream about but never mention. The topic has come up a few times and Michelle has openly mentioned out marriage to other people which unlike the vast majority of my gender I am totally on board for. We are perfect for each other and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. Regardless it was a vague enough statement to leave room for a lot of thinking on what the minimum proposal time is. I want my own place, a decent car and a new career first but since I am finally getting my underworld determination applied to my current life I feel like all three will be accomplished this summer. I will likely have to inquire about the minimum at some point. Also I couldn’t care less what others might think if it was just past our one year mark or two or whatever. If offering up my right hand was the only way to seal my commitment to Michelle and our future together I wouldn’t think twice. Luckily it’s a stolen engagement ring but there is zero hesitation in my love for her.

Well I suck at getting complimented. Idk it’s still so strange to me, Looking back I don’t recall ever being complimented on my looks. It isn’t that I think im ugly I just think my personality is my key feature and I play to my strengths. So I get awkward when she calls me cute which I guess makes me more cute somehow and I just get more nervous, I don’t know what I do and apparently a backpack helps. I suppose its a good thing it just makes me feel weird, none of my features stuck out in a crowd and for a time that was an advantage I enjoyed. Being cute is weird to me though, I know its a compliment and by all means im flattered I just don’t know how to respond because it hasn’t happened before. I read somewhere that a simple thank you suffices and I think I will just do that. My girlfriend finds me attractive and that’s all that really matters but I just never realized prior too that no one has actually complimented me physically before. I like it though shes amazing.

Oh boy so I am super fucking nervous about tomorrow. Above & Beyond is in Edmonton (I know it isn’t just for us but a part of me enjoys how perfect their apperance is). A large portion of my current relationship has been done with them in the background, The first time I said I loved her they were there, when we agreed on having sex for the first time they were there, our first Mdma trip they were there. So in general the group as a whole holds its weight in our relationship. On top of that though her rave friends will be there, people who she has worked to build the respect of and fought past the typical rave girl stereotype to make a name for herself in their own private world that most people like myself have flawed views of. Then on top of that I CANT DANCE! I did some hiphop but that was choreographed moves to a specific song set that were practiced, none of which I feel could be incorporated into usual dancing. I dislike grinding and indeed the vast majority of my times at the bar were spent off the dance floor.

So to summarize-Important group+Important people+lack of dance skill=me nervous. I don’t know im nervous as fuck but im praying the drugs lossen me up and honestly I am banking hardcore on Michelle’s presence. This isnt my scene or anything I have experience in. Usually something like this would involve recon on my part, go once somewhere else to view the crowd, music, mood etc and adjust and mentally prep for. Luckily my girlfriend again comes through like a shooting star and just reminds me that if anything goes wrong to just hug her, seems simple enough but just her saying that reminded me that if nothing else I have faith in the two of us coming through everything together and I trust her with my life so I know I can trust her to walk me through this. I am still nervous but I trust her to take care of me which sounds weird but it’s just the way things are, She wants to include me in certain aspects of her life, ones of which I have no experience in whatsoever, and she knows I am nervous. I have turned down a lot of opportunities in my life like this one because I was for lack of a better word Scared.

This time though I am also scared I will disappoint her or worse embarrass her. I would feel terrible if I did something to embarrass her as a visitor on her world. I guess I cant do much use but have faith in our relationship and trust in her. God I love her and I love that she feels comfortable enough to include me in her world like this. It is just really endearing and I was literally Honored when she asked if I wanted to go.

I just dont want to disappoint her… shes honored me by inviting me and I guess im just worried I will fail.

SIDENOTE- The Templar 2 year anniversary is coming and I received an invite to it. I responded that I would only attend if Michelle could come with me. As the founder there is a chance (albeit a small one) that they will say yes. It is basically unheard of and had it been another gang or chapter not built on a strict code like the Templar I wouldnt have asked. But if they say yes it would be amazing! For one night I would be granted full access to all of my previous gear, vehicles, weapons, guards and power! All of this with Michelle next to me! I could show her everything and honestly 12 hours isnt enough (6 of which would be spent in ceremony) BUT this is maybe my chance to actually show her the world I lived in and what I spent so long building! Just the chance for her to meet some other Templar and have them describe me to her would be amazing! I just pray they say yes but its a small chance, without her I see no reason to attend.

Every post I make lately is turning into a serious time consuming writing project so I am going to intentionally keep this one short.

Coworker today says I am missing out on life and meeting new people by not going out more to bars and such.

I strike a smile as she walks away

Shes almost triple my age and I know ive done more than she has

I really wouldn’t mind if swords were more commonly used. I don’t know I feel like this is an old opinion anyone who is serious about the sword makes but hey why not. I got to practice again today and sometimes you just want someone to seriously cross swords with. Although I think most people haven’t had a serious sword fight and thus never really realize what they are missing. It is likely one of the most intense scenarios a person could enter. Guns are easy enough to use and kill with, but when you swing a blade at someone with the intent to cause harm the space your mind has to occupy alone is staggeringly intense. Even throwing a dagger has more behind it than a bullet ever could. I think maybe its akin to the difference between bow and crossbow, to use a sword requires practice and skill and some people just cant wield one no matter how much instruction you give, you’d think anyone could swing a sword but there are actually a lot of people out there (or at least in my experience) who cant effectively wield a blade no matter how much personal attention they are given.

I don’t know its just a more personal weapon and like any real swordsman it makes me sad to see how far the weapon has fallen. But hey I guess any person invested in outdated technology feels the same.

Ah never a dull moment at my house. Not necessarily a good thing though. My brothers aside the rest of my family are truly vile creatures sometimes…well most times. Greed, Sloth and Lust covers all three aptly and while I am a firm subscriber to greed as my sin at the very least I intend to earn it. My family pisses me off and I feel that when Colten turns 18 I will likely take him away somehow and distance us from them. I see no future for any of them.

My grandmother despite technically being a good person will never quit smoking and has had a persistent night time cough for some months, this may be nothing but at the rate she smokes I doubt it.

My mother will likely never amount to anything at this point other than a mother, A role which she just barely accomplishes. Shes content to suck the system for as much as it can possibly give, his no pride whatsoever and will likely bury herself in financial debt do to a mix of greed and poor habits.

My sister is going to die of some sexually transmitted disease. I know she has had some already and some that still persist so its only a matter of time before she catches something serious and I very much doubt she will live to see thirty.

None of this really bothers me though, it sounds odd to most people im sure but if family recognizes a person as beyond help its oft times the truth of the matter. I am not cold or uncaring towards them, we share the same blood so I would still come to their defence should an outsider threaten them BUT self inflicted injuries are how the operate and sometimes I miss my old job based solely on the fact they assumed me a drug addicted write off and our interactions were very limited. I owe my mother a debt still for help on certain occasions which is part of the reason I didn’t seek out a random roommate and chose to reside with them. Not that I would ever admit it to them but my financial help I offer now is my own way of paying of certain debts owed that I have attached a dollar amount to. Regardless those debts are almost paid off at which point I will leave and they will return to their previous status of serving no purpose.

Colten however I refuse to abandon, Him I feel a stronger link to in a way brothers should and although I doubt hes aware I have been setting him out to want to move out when he turns 18. It was rather easy actually, if you grow up in a family it is easy to overlook their flaws since you watch it constantly, by simply pointing them out as they happen I feel as though he is starting to recognize the errors that were previously overlooked and thus see what I have seen for some time. The way my family operates is not healthy and our blood in general has a genetic predisposition towards addiction of one kind or another, He is going to have enough trouble growing up battling his blood like I did so I feel like it will be easier if he were removed from this environment that encourages it. Things like theft and addiction should be done on ones own terms and there are certain harsh realities I wish to protect him from. Only time will tell but I want to protect him as best I can whenever I can without him knowing it.

My weight is fluxuating oddly again, in the same odd amounts as always but this year I wont go see a doctor about it, they never help and my own doctor came up useless after a battery of tests.

I like the idea of mothers day but I think there should be a some form of class or category for mothers, or a ranking system. It is hard to be thankful to my mother since I dont remember much of my childhood and the things I do remember aren’t very good. Her latest actions have done nothing to reinforce my opinion of her as a mother and thus I just didnt feel like doing anything for her this year. If simply giving birth and keeping that child alive long enough for them to fend on their own is the only criteria needed to attain that title then I suppose she succeeded this year…barely.

I dislike feeling helpless and my girlfriend is sick. I know there really isnt much I can do but I have never cared for anything so much so seeing her sick or in pain is really tough for me. dont get me wrong im happy that I am there and able to offer morale support and what not but I still feel useless. I made a very serious promise to spend the rest of my life protecting her from the things she cant protect herself against and while I cant really fight allergies or period cramps it doesn’t stop me from wanting to help-being unable to-feeling useless. Not the depressing kind of useless most people have thought, mine is more of a motivator I suppose. I’ve learned a lot about allergies this week and how I can help combat cramps etc so I fully intend on rectifying this feeling of uselessness, still doesn’t help when they show up initially, I cant prepare for everything I suppose.

Still I fully intend on trying to make every day amazing for her in one way or another and for the time being im learning, i likely always will be. Regardless I love her and I feel as though a life goal of wanting to make someone elses life better while they improve yours is a good thing.

Edit-Not useless just helpless. Most things I am passionate about are defendable with action, Nothing I can this time but remain positive. I think some general medicine study should be found. Nothing as intense as schooling mind you but I wouldnt mind a better knowledge base of how to maintain the body instead of how to destroy it.